1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
