I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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