I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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