So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
