You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize