dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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