My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize