: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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