A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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