If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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