I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Dear god my vagina.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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