dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
