You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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