I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
