Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
