Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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