do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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