You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
