the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
BRING THE BAGELS
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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