dude i'm inner monologue high
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
