This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
