Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
