my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
