Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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