Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
