you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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