I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
