Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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