It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We need to get me chipped asap
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
