New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
