her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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