Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize