her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
