I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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