Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
PANTIES FOUND
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