I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize