he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
