please come you make the beer taste better
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
