oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
