I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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