some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
birth control should be required to get into college
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
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