He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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