he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
