She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
