I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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