a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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