i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
