I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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