I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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