I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
