Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
