I just threw up on my dentist
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
