so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
