my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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