the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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