i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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