so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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