Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
