If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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