omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
we made out on top of his cat.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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