her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
