Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
