The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There r osticjed everywhere
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
