I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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