The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
