you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
