Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
