i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
